haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
