Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize