I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
