Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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