So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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