No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
