I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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