When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
