it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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