Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
