It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
