i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
