If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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