I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
