The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
