I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
