i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
