Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
