there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
