Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
