He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
