I just threw up on my dentist
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And then he peed in my hair
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