dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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