I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
