Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
