Your face is a jimmy john
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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