Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
