The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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