I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
