out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize