Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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