There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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