got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize