had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize