Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
