DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
