Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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