I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
