All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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