margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We need to rekindle our bromance
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
