Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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