i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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