i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize