A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
