Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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