so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
honey bunches of taint.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
