i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
