Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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