chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
