I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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