I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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