Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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