Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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