i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
